I Will Not Meet Him
by Katelai
Summary: I am completing my first play-through of DAI. I had Alistair, Morrigan, and Kieran in Skyhold at the same time and thought to myself, why has no one said anything about this? So here it is, a letter written from Alistair to his love on his feelings in regards to the boy so close to him that is his son.


**Notes: The Hero of Ferelden is a classless dwarf named Thora. Alistair is a warden as well. Alistair slept with Morrigan so that he and Thora could both survive the battle with the Archdemon.**

**Also, Hawke is female and was in a relationship with Isabela.**

**In my game, I completed the Winter Palace chain before Adamant, so that Alistair and Morrigan were technically in the same place at the same time.**

My darling Thora,

Oh to have your arms around me on this day would be the greatest blessing. You're small, my darling, but when you sleepily turn to me at night and wrap your arms around me, I feel as though I am being encompassed by miles of solid loving warmth. That sounded odd, trust that it sounded better in my head. If you were here, you would be smiling with amusement at me right now. Shall I make a list of reasons why we should never part? I would add your arms to that list.

I hope my letter of my trial at Adamant and the fade has reached you. I wanted to talk of more, to expand on what has been going on in my mind, but I thought it most prudent to let you know in my own words that I was well. I am well, and I am eager to have you near once more.

As I found myself in the fade with the Inquisitor Trevelyan, her allies, and Hawke, my thoughts strayed to you often. You and I live dangerous lives, and I'm accustomed to giving these thoughts only a moment of my time, to not allow them to become a distraction. As I wrote previously, we left Hawke in the fade, and my heart grieves for her love back home, as she is suddenly bereft and I cannot begin to imagine her pain. If I were to make another list, one of regrets, it would be that there was nothing more I could do for her. However, Trevelyan's ally, a dwarf named Varric, said to me that if anyone could survive the Fade, it would be Hawke. I do hope so.

That being said, this experience has shaken me more than I can convey in a letter, not because of the fear of death (the night we slayed the arch demon was possibly the scariest of my life), but because it caused some of my deepest hidden feelings to rise to the surface of my heart. Thora, I was shaken, I thought I might never see you again, never see Thedas again.

My love, you and I cannot bear children and I know the pain it causes you. You don't speak of it often, but I've seen you wake from loving dreams with a smile, and then release a sad gasp when reality sets in. At times in Denerim, visiting with the Arl, I've seen you look upon the children with their parents in the market, and the look on your face. Thora, if I could heal anything with sheer force of will... I would take on all of Thedas to change this-and maybe one day we will be able to reverse the Warden's Calling. If I could give you anything in this world, it would be a child made from both of us.

And that brings me to why I am writing this letter. Thora, I have a son. I don't blame you or resent you for any of it. I know what happened still hurts you, even though you say having us both alive today is worth it. The event was, well, you have asked me about it before. It pained you to ask me, I know it, and you had wished to know how it proceeded. I could never tell you, I still can't. I can't allow myself to dwell on it, you know this.

I told you if Morrigan was to keep the child away from me, that it would be best if I never hear of him. Even as I said the words to you, I know they were not true. To be honest, he has been in my thoughts many times, more than I have ever admitted to you. I did not wish for you to think that my thoughts of my son, or the events that led up to his birth, diminished my love for you. But perhaps you already knew this-you are amazingly perceptive when it comes to feelings I believe are complex, that only play a part in my internal dialog. (See, another thing I need to add to the list of reasons why we should never be apart.)

Which brings me here, one of the reasons for this letter. While I was in the fade I realized that it was wrong of me to keep this from you. I'm sorry, and this is my poor attempt to catch you up on what I have been thinking these past ten years since I knew I would father a child:  
1) When he is alone in his bed at night, and awakens from a nightmare, does he have someone to go to him and give him comfort?  
2) When he is ill with fever and aches, is there something to wipe his forehead with a cool cloth?  
3) Does he have someone in his life that will ruffle his hair just so? In a way for him to know that he is loved and cherished.  
4) Does someone play chase with him in tall grass, the kind of chase game that makes children howl with laughter? Or perhaps tickle him until he laughs so hard he squeals?  
5) When he skins his knee and the wound is dressed, does he have someone to kiss the pain away?  
6) I remember when I was small, I always had this little hiccup when I cried. Does he get that little hiccup?  
7) Would he call me papa if he knew me? What would it be like, to be called papa?  
8) Does he wrinkle up his brow when angry, like you say that I do? Does forcing him to do his studies made him angry and frustrated, as it did to me when I was boy?  
9) Does he sleep on his back or his side? Does he rise early or sleep late? Does he snore or talk in his sleep?  
10) Is he well loved?

Thora, I could go on forever, and it makes me feel sad. I wish you were here at Skyhold by my side. There is nothing better than having you near, and resting my head in your lap while you run your fingers through my hair. (Another thing to add to my list?)

My love, we've been apart for too long. I need your strength today. I say this because my son is in Skyhold, and I am afraid of what I might do.

I would not break our agreement with Morrigan. I know we begrudgingly trusted her during the blight, and she proved herself an ally, however, she is a dangerous woman to cross. But, Thora, he is my son.

His name is Kieran, he has auburn hair, and brown eyes. I did not seek him out, he was standing in the courtyard with Morrigan, and I was there on a battlement with Hawke, staring down. The Inquisitor was speaking to Morrigan, and the boy looked up at me. It was as if I was staring at myself at 10. He looked at me like he knew. And his gaze, it was old, soulful, like it had lived a thousand years and would live a thousand more.

I will not meet him. I would give many things in this world to just meet him. But I will not meet him.

I wish you were beside me, my love. You have a way of looking at me when I am at my lowest, breaking me down into a puddle of tears, and building me back up into a man I can admire. A man that can take on the world. I need you now for your restorative powers. (My list keeps getting longer.)

As soon as the war council debriefing to take place later today has ended, I will travel from here as fast as my horse will take me. I will keep my eyes trained in your direction and I will not look back.

I miss you. I love you.

Yours,  
Alistair


End file.
